everytime u think about me i think about u twice

I have Dysentery

2006-03-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

I never update this thing.

I hope no one ever reads it.

Except like... the people I want to read it.

Who probably don't know I exist really.

Joey and I brokeup... he dumped me.

Jack Bauer will replace him.

Along with alcohol, who I come to love more and more everyday. Although Evan Williams and I permanently brokeup. Like I'm never speaking to that jerk again.

Anyway, I thought I would document my current obsession with a boy who I can never have. I mean, I could have him easily, but the consequences of which would be far worse than my current yearning. Another time and another place.

I'm just hoping I can keep my head about things. When I explode, well who knows what will happen. Hence why I can't explode. The countdown of my leaving this horrible place is not going fast enough... a year and half at the least... I dunno if I can make it.

Anyway, my band the Dysenteries played their first show last night, it went better than I had expected. I feel really good about it, despite the fact that my friends didn't show til after we were done playing.

It kinda shows what kind of people I hangout with. Rather, people I can't count on to support me when I need it most.

Sam Jacksonville

2005-08-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

So I've kissed three boys since I've been back.

Only one of which is a *new* thing.

The one I'm *in* love with.

Sam Jacksonville.

The reason I'd actually rather not be kissing the other two.

But, there are some things I just can't do. And number one is love only one boy.

Oh my poor attention span.

But Sam Jacksonville... he's worthy.

sweet sweet heart.

2005-07-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

My head burns and itches.

Do i have STDs?

No, I don't, but I have lots of hair dye on my head.

I returned from Denver 2 days ago.

It was a lot of fun. I met lots of boys, but didn't kiss one of them. Aren't I amazing?

That's that whole new being prude thing I'm trying out.

I hung out with my cousin Brad a lot, he's cool, a little too *good* But I had some okay times.

Like when we hung out with his friends at the skate park and went to the mall and sat in a boat.

And went to see the Aqua Bats. Yay.

Anyway, i don't want this blogger to die so I vow to update it more.

I'm just getting away from the attachment to livejournal and other journals.

Ah well.

...I'm off to not thing about lame Italian boys.

Blug

2005-06-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

Denver.

2005-05-31T15:35:00.000-07:00

I can't do it anymore. Douche douche douch douche douche douche douche douche douche douche douche douche douche douche douche douche douche douche.

grant houlihan

2005-04-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

It's too cold today.

I love spring WARM.

Prom is soon. I'm excited.

Amanda F!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I am going to wear this crazy skirt I stole from Amanda Field.

It's so crazy that i found it important enough to update about.

2005-02-21T03:40:00.000-08:00

I was swimmin in the Carribean
Animals were hidin behind the rock
Except the little fish
But they told me, he swears
Tryin to talk to me koi koy

Where, in fact, is my mind?

~~

Mm, I <3 myself

Everything looks beautiful from far away.

2005-02-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

I'm going to get out of this town, far, far away and never think of anyone here ever again.

They will think back to a time when I was here, a brief awkward time. But they will not remember it well, for it will fade nicely with time.

I will be happy far away and never know yearning quite like this again.

**********

I have been noticing the complete reversal in male/ female roles. I am beginning to think I will never actually date a boy, like in a me being pursued and courted and such.

I will also never, ever have sex because no one will ever want to do so with me. Ha. Ha.

I <3 Joe Baker

2005-02-02T16:30:00.000-08:00

I'm at a really good place in life. I have friends and social things to do. I have a man. I'm happy and doing well in school. I've forgotten about Nick and Corey and other boys who up until recent events were causing me pain. Well, maybe I haven't forgotten about Corey, but I'm not sad.

I am eating too much though. I've just started eating whatever and as much as a want. I feel like I'm getting fatter. I don't wish for this to happen.

Spring is coming. I'm so happy. It will be warm and I'll get to run around outside and blah blah blah. Valentines day is in 12 days. Jeez. I got a boyfriend just in time. He doesn't seem like he'll buy me anything though, not that I care. Valentines day is lame anyway but flowers would be so neet.

Whatever.

I <3 Joe Baker and I'm done.

Ps. I am so a 15 year old girl, it's not even funny.

hmm

2005-01-02T16:32:00.000-08:00

it's cold

do you realize?

2004-12-28T14:23:00.000-08:00

I like blogger better than livejournal, despite the fact I never post in here. I have like 70 livejournal friends now and I don't like reading any of their posts, except like 3 people. This causes an issue with my friends page and it being way over crowded with retarded shit.

But, I've never rejected anyone, I can't do that, like... yeah. With the possability of hurting someone's feelings and all.

I also decided that livejournal communities are really silly. And everyone in them, this is all the ones I'm in or what not, is a total bitch. It makes me wonder why they exist. Those people, that is.

Also, it's 4 30 in the pm and i've been online for straight 30 hours or so, not counting a nap I this morning. I am, in fact, the most pathetic person in the universe and I sort of deserve to die. Blah, blah, blah.

I sort of want to have plans for tonight, after all, it's winter break, I should be active and social. Instead I'm online.. not that anyone would want to do anything with me.

I so need a job to distract me from being socially inept.

Okay, I'm done

fact not fiction, for the first time in years.

2004-11-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

Too much vicodin is bad for you. duh. but it makes everything so dull i love it. little tired though.

I'll be 15 in 2 days and 14 hours. hmmm.

I'm working on settling down. The best boy is Nick but he won't go out with me 'right now'. So I'm going to have to wait. Not too long, I hope. I could go to the trouble to find another boy who fits my standards but... I'm too lazy. Too hard to find, they are, far too hard to find.

And when one shows up, he doesn't like ya back. It's really no good

I like my hair all fucked up like. I enjoy looking like a heroine addict.hobo.crack head. I like that 'I just had sex' look.

haha! exotic mother fucker!

2004-11-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

You Are an Exotic Beauty!

No matter what your ehtnic background, you've got a unique look
And your one of a kind beauty makes an imprint in every man's mind
You hardly ever wear the same outfit twice, and your hair is always changing
As a result, your look is always new and fresh - never outdated or stale

What Type of Beauty Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

2 fhouseholds, both alike in dignity, in fair verona where we lay our scene.

2004-11-10T23:34:00.000-08:00

I know these 3 boys. They shall ramain nameless. Online journals do not include names. These 3 boys are terribly alike. They act similarly, talk like eachother, enjoy a lot of the same music, none are prince charmings, all can hold a conversation.

2 of these 3 boys likes me. The other one hates me. But there has never been a proper explanation for this hate. There, I have refused to to accept it. Winning his approval has been impossible and a completely lost cause. But still, whatever.

I should get a new passtime, one that does not involve rambling.

The next few years of my life are to be dedicated to these boys, possibly only one. Developing a strong fun friendship...

I'm done

my hands smell so strongly of turpentine that i can't think straight

2004-11-09T19:43:00.000-08:00

it's strange that my biggest lie could very well be my biggest truth.

i've begun to dull people with my discussions of him. i need to stop. i need to. i really really need to.

i can't write right now
~sara the smurf

my hands smell so strongly of turpentine i can't think straight

2004-11-09T19:22:00.001-08:00

it's funny how your biggest lie can be your biggest truth.

so fucking lame and silly.

i talk about him constantly. it's getting on some peoples' nerves. i can't stand it. i can't stand that i can't stop. this is me needing, not wanting, needing to get a life and stop obsessing over extreamely lame things like boys.

fucking lame.

i am really happy as i go about my day. but for some reason i'm sad when i update...

i'm exasggerating. things are good i just like to complain

2004-11-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

i can't even be myself anymore. i don't know how. i've been working my whole life to be what other people want. what would make me cool? yeah, i'll do that. if it try to be myself, i'm just doing that, trying more. i don't know who i am and i don't know what i should be anymore so i'm just completely and utterly lost.

i have never been what i want to be so i've always be working at the something i'm supposed to accomplish. but i can't do that anymore because there is nothing i can be. there's just... nothing.

i'm not pretty enough
i'm not smart enough
i'm not witty enough
i'm not cool enough
i'm not interesting enough
i'm not good enough
i'm not old enough

i'm not what i'm supposed to be. but i don't know how to become any of those things. i've failed so hard at them all that i've just stopped trying.

i hate that i'm doing that thing. that thing where i don't think anyone likes me because i'm not good enough for anyone. i'm not enough. i'll never please anyone like they need to be pleased. i can't make them like me and that's of course, obvious. but it never keeps me from trying. i want to be wanted, i need to be needed.

what am i getting at? it's not like i actually care what everyone thinks. i certainly don't care about anyone really, except him. that god damn boy that always ruins everything for me. the one that never leaves my stupid head. the one i'll never be good enough for. the one i'd kill if i had the chance. the one i could chase and chase til the end of the world and then, yes and then he would take that suicidal leap off because he'd rather die than be caught by my pathetic self. hates me that much, yeah it's true.

sigh. mindless rants indeed. sigh. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for being this way. i'd love to say it's not my fault. but it is. it always is. i am the reason for my misgivens and i can't blame anyone else. i'm sorry.

i'm so sorry.

disclaimer: talk of one boy is a actually generalization of all boys i've ever set eyes on. not an actaul specific one. well maybe. whatever. no. ugh!

piss drunk, naked and puking in my hair

2004-11-03T16:46:00.000-08:00

new template thingy. i like this one much better

um bush won... no good

i don't have anything to say

just avoiding homework

why do i fall in love with every guy who shows me the slightest bit of attention?

2004-10-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

i can see myself digging a hole. making a mistake. being stupid. being weak. hurting myself. slowly destroying my mind and heart. integrity gone. driving myself insane. ruining the only things i can count on. letting myself down. letting others down. i know i should stop this. i need to. but it coninues. it never ends.

but i've done it before a million times so why should i care?
i obviosuly don't. not nearly enough.

am i being used? does it really matter? .. at all. obviusly not. not nearly enough.

~~~~~~~

shite

2004-10-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

i realize reading this peice of shit that i am full of just that, shit. shite.
whateva

maybe this will work here...

2004-10-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

she took him to the lake and he fell in... love

2004-10-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

um.. yeah so i knoww this isn't private. duh. but not as many people read this as my lj. and like no one comments so i don't have to worry about that aspect. if i didn't want people to take pitty on me, sympathize, say oh poor sara, then i would in fact get a real journal. actually, i have a real journal, i just hate writing in it. and for some reason, i'm more worried about someone finding that journal and reading it than i am about the random people who find my blog. the internet is very unintament.

but it is farely silly for me to pore out all my shit onto this thing. i hate that it's burdenning others. but no one has to read this. i'm not on anyone's "friends" list and it's not even that easy to get here. well it is but it's not in your face. whateva.

moving on. i don't write in lj nearly as much as i used to, because then i just feel shitty when not a lot of people comment. so this will be my more often place of update from now on.

********

i wish memories did not exsist.

i was thinking hard on this last night. i saw the manchurian candidate with stephen2 and then we went to lincoln park and hungout, talked and things. i enjoyed this. but somewhere in between when we left the theater and were driving around aimlessly i was... simply incredibly sad and lonely. i wanted nothing more than to curl up in someone's arms and cry.

and then i thought to myself, i don't have anyone to do that with. nor do i even have anyone to think about doing that with. so i searched my mind for people, anyone i could just imagine being in the arms of. and i, of course, found no one who would be just right.

then i searched back to the days when i did have someone to do this with. this in turn made me more sad because none of those people exsist anymore. they are all gone, leaving me all alone. but their memories are still there. breaking my heart everytime i think back. everytime these memories force themselves upon me. everything i sit and cry in the dark listening the saddest alk3 songs.

so i wished so hard to myself that i could erase everything. everyone who has ever made me sad. every memory that i can't take. ( this is actually me thinking about doing what was done in the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, a movie i have come to like more the more i analize it and realize its significance) and just like the movie i want to forget everything, but then start all over because 2nd tries work better, and i still love all those people i would want so much to forget.

okay yeah i'm done. that was silly. grar. nevermind

my tears seep through the crack under my door

2004-10-21T15:20:00.000-07:00

no, no we aren't. both of us know that. this is the way it is. always is. things like that end and everything is shit. nothing is ever fine again. this is me wanting it to be fine. wanting it all back. wanting to be friends. wanting to be lovers. and thenh we knowing, knowing now at this moment, it can't, it won't happen.

it never fucking does. only it's me this time. it's me that still cares. it's me who knows this. but i can't tell you. i want to kiss you, i can't tell the truth. my toughts are coming faster than i can type. i wish i had someone to talk to. somone like you. someone like you who will never care again. friends is bull shit. fucking bull that doesn't matter because i'm going to wallow in self pity and despair foever and ever.

forever until i find someone to throw myself at. why coudlnt i have thrown myself at you. thrown like i wanted to. thrown like you wanted me to. thrown like no one ever said. no one ever mentioned that it needed to be done. but i did! i did but i never made it like you didnt tell me you wanted it. i thought that was enough.

i'm never having sex. ever! this is fucking bull and it was nothign in the first place. but now sitting here it does. too busy for me now. too in love to notice my death. too busy to notice me lieing here in self pity and sad alkaline trio songs.

sitting here wanting someone else to pick me up off the ground cause i'm so tired of doing it myself.

i have to fix dinner now. how can i do anything when everything is blury. i'm far too worried about myself to care about anything else. this is the world revolving around me. me and my sad sad songs and my damp grose sleeve. this is me stopping, moving on, washing dishes. soon. i swear this will end soon and i'll be fine. i swear. i promise. where is my romeo. my romeo who doesnt die and loves me forever. he caught up in another short red head nowadays.

silly me. too silly. i'm sorry.

hating everthing is merely part of the life cycle

2004-10-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

i hate myself

i hate him

i hate nick too.

i hate that i don't have the emotional maturity to hate.

i hate that this is me, being my age, and hating it.

i hate not having any real friends

i hate not liking anyone enough to be real friends with them.

i hate that that's a lie, but the people i'd like to be friends with, hate me.

i hate that i'm so obsessed with rejection.

i hate that i can't be happy. content

i hate that i have no life.

i hate that my lack of life is not the cause of my misery, tis the lack of emotional stability that my age and sex provides me.

i hate how i am inferior to everyone older than me.

i hate how i feel younger people are inferior.

i hate that i am ranting for no civil reason.

i hate how he hates me.

i hate how i hate him back.

i hate how that's a lie to cover up my love.

i hate how i can't get him of my mind.

i hate how, unlike most situations where a him lacks interests in me, i will never be able to convince this him otherwise.

i'd like to blame my hate for everything upon this him.

and i shall.

swallow! choke ! and die!

2004-10-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

i dont want to be the fucking annoying girl who fucked him so he decided to fuck her, not realizing to the extent which he could fuck her, who tries to make everything right but fails because she already fucked everything up too bad for anyone to care.

but can i fucking help it?

i've never been more wrong

2004-10-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

so this was my lj post. but then i decided to put it in here instead. this is more private. in fact i'm pretty sure no one reads it

i really never thought i'd get attached

i really thought that without any names, any complications, any commitment, i'd be okay. i'd never get hurt. i always thought i'd lose interest first, i'd be fine, i'd be free of silly *missing*

i couldn't have been more wrong.

and i was lieing through my teeth, lieing, i lied, i'm not okay with it, i'm sick and sad in my little world of stupidity.

extreem highs and extreem lows.i always thought that if i've always got several guys happening at one time, i'd never really like any of them. none of them could break my heart. none of them could hurt me and i'd always have another one when one left.

i couldn't have been more wrong

and even if the last thing is true, even if there's always someone there, i can't cry about a boy on another boys shoulder. that's just rude. and they never unserstand where i'm coming from.

they can never be more wrong.

no it's not alright. i'm not laughing. i'm not okay. this isn't okay. this isn't the way it's supposed to be. i hate myself more than anything right now and i can't stand it.

i refuse to be like this. i refuse to. do you understand? cause my body obviously doesn't. i refuse! this is going to run its stupid little course and then i'm going to forget everything, everything! i refuse to be sad. i refuse to get hurt. i refuse to cry. i refuse to be upset. i refuse to feel this stupid sick sad little way. i refuse!

and i've never been more wrong

sweet i'm the pixies

2004-10-11T17:55:00.000-07:00

You rule. in 15 years, you won't be as known as you
are now, but most of the people that will know
you then will like you (or else I'll beat them
with a stick). You're nice to listen to.

What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by

you've got too much to wear on your sleave

2004-10-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

so this is my blog.
i origionally planned to have like deep emotional bullshit involving things i don't want people to know in here. but well i failed.
why are so many people online at 1 38 pm. makes no sense. i'm on cause i'm grounded. obviosuly no one else has a life. i'm kidding. ha..ha
whatever
so grant houlihan and his girlfriend brokeup. correction, she dumped him. hard and cold on the ground. rebound perhaps? that would be my dream. it would be hard to pull off though.
so tomorrow night nick's having a party, gathering, whatever. i am having difficulties deciding whether i shoudl lie to my rents and go, with the possability of getting caught and screwed for life (including next next weekend which promises fun) or just go to philthy's thing and be home by 11 like the good, wholesome, perfect girl i'm trying to be.
hm i have to clean things..ugh!

2004-09-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

yes! i can do it! i rule

i don't realy have anything to say. but i'm going to say something anyway

2004-08-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

this is where i will put off the stuff people don't want to read. boring nonsence. like nick telling me about his dream right now. i don't care but he keeps talking and talking. he died in the second dream he had. he wont tell me about it though. cause i'm saying all this in here. he's sitting next to me on the floor by the way, hogging the corn pops. they are his so it's okay. so i don't feel like writing anymore.